STEP 1: TRANSITION TO A HEALTHY DIET

Ok so. Now I am reading book #2, Eating for Autism to help me understand why I have to delete so much out of his diet and what I need to introduce.

It is a great book. It is teaching me to take it one step at a time. It has 10 steps in total. It says that for some kids it is not necessary to go through all 10 steps. One family may only need steps 1 - 3 and that will be sufficient while others have to do all 10 steps. In either case, you cannot skip steps and you have to start with step one.

STEP 1: TRANSITION TO A HEALTHY DIET

Basically it tells you that though the FDA has approved 24 different types of additives to foods called 'generally recognized as safe' (GRAS) there are 4 specific ones that dietitians, scientist and doctors are concerned with regarding how they effect children with disorders. Those four are: artificial colors, artificial flavors, artificial preservatives and artificial sweeteners.

yada yada yada... at the end of the day I have to read all labels and get rid of everything that has the four "bad" additives

Artificial colors: Artificial Color FD & C, US Certified Food Color, FD&C Blue No 1 (brilliant blue), Blue No 2 (indigotine), Green No 3 (fast green), Red No 40 (allura red) Red No 3 (erythrosine), Yellow No 5 (tartrazine), Yellow No 6 (sunset yellow)

Artificial Flavors: Monosodium glutamate (MSG), disodium inosinate, disodium guanylate.

Preservatives: Butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA), Butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT)

Artificial Sweeteners: Saccharin (Sweet'N Low), sucralose (Splenda), aspartame (NutraSweet and Equal)

Refined Sugar: Sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup (HFCS)

Fat: Trans fat, partially hydrogenated oils

Ok so this is a very heavy step just to start with. Just for fun go into your pantry and put some items that may have one or more of these ingredients and you will get an idea of the things we buy regularly that may have an effect on our Nemi... basically everything except the olive oil.

We have a long road ahead, but we are excited and looking forward to it. We just ran out of bread and today I will buy autism appropriate bread and I am excited... weird... who am I becoming with all this talk about health food. I am the queen of junk food... ok well, we are going down this road and not looking back.

Mommy's Healing from Autism

Last week I went to the library and rented out the book Louder than Words, by Jenny McCarthy. I had heard of the book several times in the past, but this day I felt an urgency to get it.

From the moment I got in my car with the stinking book, I began to choke and tear up. That day I read only the introduction and the preface in the car and cried my eyes out. I told Kimani, "I think this is gonna be a hard book for me to read." So I waited until after mother's day weekend to read the rest of it.

Monday after work, I began to read it and I was completely consumed from page one. By the time I got half way through the book I was sobbing uncontrollably from the depth of my soul. It was about 2 in the morning and I was trying not to wake up Kimani, but I could not hold in the tears and the waterfall was coming strong.

I cried for a long while. Kimani held me tight and prayed for me that I may fall asleep and I had to literally force myself to sleep. As long as I was awake I was crying. I felt all the years of pain rushing out of me. I had been holding back these tears for five years and through this book I felt release.

For so long, I did not allow myself to feel sorry for myself nor for Nemi. I always treated him like a 'typical' boy because I believe one day he would be.

From the moment I realized my boy was a bit delayed I tried to fight off my anger, towards the world; the doctors for their slow diagnosis; myself for giving him the damn vaccines; at him for not snapping out if it and even God for making my perfect boy Nemi go through all this. Everyone was to blame, but I held it all in.

I have always hated that I could not freely visit with friends or family because of how at times he is treated, or how unconsciously they look at him with sad, pitiful eyes. I still hate it, but never dealt with it. He is hyper and he tends to break everything he holds on to, so when I go visit people I think I may have to replace something expensive, I hope he does not break anything.

I hate the way I felt at the end of the day. Putting him to bed at times was the best part of my day and I thought I was being such a horrible Mommy. But dealing with an autistic child all day long wears on you. I was getting more and more tired and more impatient.

I never thought I would be such an 'angry beast' with my kids (or anyone at all for that matter), and be so stinking loud and such a screamer and lashing out with spankings left and right for all kinds of things. I hate that Datnee - I hated myself everytime I did it, but did not know how to stop. After pleading with the Lord to help me stop, I now understand why. I was not dealing with my emotioal health and it was all coming out the gaping whole in my heart.

This book gave me words to express the hurt I have been feeling. It gave me freedom to love Nemi where he is and not look to 'fix' him into a 'typical' child. I love Nemi with all my heart, but I felt like this autism has stolen a freedom in our relationship that now I realize I could still have.

This book allowed me to get rid of the emotional weight I had been carrying for the past 5 years and know that I need to gird up my loins and continue the fight for my boy.

It opened my eyes to know that though Nemi has been improving by leaps and bounds I had the blinders on because of his progress. I was so proud of him, I was slacking off a bit. I thought that with therapy alone he would get to where he needs to be, but I was fooling myself and the Lord had to open my eyes.

The next morning I was ready to stay in bed all day since every time I opened my eyes I would cry. It was about 12:30pm when Kimani came home for lunch and I was still in bed. When I saw him walk in the bedroom I felt like he actually picked me up and peeled me off the bed. It was so great to see him. I was planning to be in bed all day long if it meant that I would not be awake long enough to cry. He came in and gave me the strength I needed to get up and continue my day. Even better he told me he took the rest of the day off because he felt in his heart I was not well and I needed him for more than a half hour... Now that is God at work...

I wanted to just lay in his arms and cry some more, but I held it all in and we went to Barnes & Noble and got a couple of books on the Gluten/Casin free diet and we decided we are all going to switch over to this diet. Our boy needs something more than all the wonderful therapy he is getting and the Lord is waking me up to take the next steps.

For Nemi, I believe deep down that his current diet is not helping him get to the next level just yet. So we are surrendering it all to the Lord and believe He is going to give us the strength, taste buds and resources to switch over to this diet for our Nemi.

Here is the next battle to fight in order to win the war. I feel strong, I feel restored. God has been good and we are ready to keep moving forward. Keep praying for us, we wait for nothing less than a miracle.

Nehemiah James. We love you with all our hearts, and Mommy and Daddy are going to keep doing what ever it takes to help you get better, just like you pray every night. Jesus is hearing your prayers and He is going to answer them.

This past weekend

I love blogging about our weekends. It is so much fun. It seems like I cannot get to the computer until Wednesday to get it all out though..

Well, on Saturday, we went to our friend's baby shower and it was just a delight. That word sounds so weird, but it was. They are Nehemiah's godparents and are expecting a boy in mid June. We cannot wait to meet him. We are so excited they are having a boy I feel I am having another boy... That is how exciting it is.

Well, we got there kind of late, because I was working (I had called ahead to inform them), but luckily we got there just before gift opening. Everyone had eaten and we ate before heading out so it was perfect. They got SOOOOO MUUUCCCCHHH stuff we literally had an intermission from the gifts to cut the cake and then gift opening resumed. It was awesome to see how the Lord is blessing, we were happy to be there. After that we decided to head over to their house for more chit chat and coffee and ice cream and we had a great time. Nemi behaved very well given that he was three hours past his bed time. I had packed his jammies and a pull up and in the car he knocked right out.

Sunday, it was mother's day and I thought that a year ago we had just found out we were expecting Kimberlee and it was such a nice memory.

Kimani said he had to go out and I thought he was going to Dunkin Donuts to get us a nice morning snack, but instead he surprised me with and entire outfit. He got me a dress, earrings, necklace, bracelet and shoes. He hands it over to me and says this is what you are wearing today. Let me tell you, I looked good. I got so many compliments at church and everytime I made sure they know who dressed me that day. It was so beautiful to dress in what he wanted me to wear... he could not keep his eyes off me.

So we head down to Brooklyn to see his Mom for mother's day and we had a blast there too. We had not seen them in a while since we turned over the youth group and we missed each other sorely. It was almost necessary for us to be together again.

Again, we had a late night because we ended up talking to his parents about all sorts of things (including marriage bumps) and ended up leaving at 11pm again. Nemi was great though. I was so glad my boy tolerated such late nights.

We had a great weekend over all and next weekend we are looking forward to being with our friends Marisol and Javier. We have not hung out in a while and we need to fill our friendship cup, so we are looking forward to that.

Weird weekend

So it is kind of strange to report that we did nothing this past weekend. I mean nothing. well, I went to work Saturday (someone has to make some money here) and Kimani went out with his friend (and someone has to spend it - ja ja).

Sunday we just went to church and back and that was it.

It is sad to write such a trite report being that this is our fun filled summer, but it felt GOOD to do nothing and sit home - even in that we just enjoyed each other's company as the kids did their thing.

It was a good weekend after all.

Herbs today - gone tomorrow

Well, you knew this was coming. Sooner of later I had to tell you all about how my plants are doing.

Not too long ago they were in critical condition. I attempted to move the plants from the kitchen to the front window to give them more sun and half way there.... they fell.

Ahhh!!!!

Oh goodness! that was the end of them - or so I thought. I left them in the kitchen in hopes to reviving them and I think they may have a chance. Just in case the first batch does not make it out of intensive care, I purchased more seeds for round two.

Brother and Sister

My children are really the joy of my life.

Nemi brought me to tears recently when he grabbed Kimberlee's hands and told her, "up, up up" the way daddy does it to get her to lift her head. Since she was on my lap I actually lifter her up on her feet. She was loving it. The more she smiled the more he did it. It was such a sweet moment, just the two of them interacting with each other.

Days later Kimberlee brought me to tears when we were in the car and she was fussy. Nemi put the pacifier in her mouth and though she cannot fully control the movements of her arms and hands she reached over for him and grabbed his hands. (sob, sob) it was so beautiful to see that. So innocent and loving. The way only a brother and sister could be. The older trying to make the baby smile and the baby saying thank you to her brother with a simple touch.

Our Weekend

I cannot believe I have not had the chance to write about our last weekend and now we are half way through to the next weekend.

Anyway, well, on Saturday we woke up early to go to a birthday party. We had to be there at 930am. Isn't that odd? How many kiddie parties have you been to at 9 in the morning? Exactly!

Anyway, we had to be there because it was at a movie theater (which I found to be a cool but very expensive idea) and the movie (Bolt) started at 10am. We got there on time, by the grace of God, which was great because we had to leave early and it just would not look good to arrive late and leave early. We only got to see the beginning of the movie and we actually want to rent it and have "Nemi" (meaning us) finish watch it because it was actually quite good. After that, I had to head to work and that was basically it.

Sunday was beautiful Eowyn's dedication and we went to support our friends and be there for them.

Then we did laundry and (here comes the best part of our day) we went to visit our friends The Hestermans and let me tell you, you all have to go check out their home. They are doing such a great job at making that house a home. Ryan was in the middle of finish the deck out back... literally, he was putting up the railings and all the pieces to go on it (what ever all that man stuff is that is needed for construction) and we just sat on the 3/4 way done deck and enjoyed the warm afternoon. Nemi insisted on throwing toys and the bumbo down the steps and no time-out or threats of spanking worked to get him to stop, which was quite embarrassing. Lily was happy playing in her house until Nemi taught her how to jump out the window (this just sounds crazy). Jacob and Kimberlee hung out with the mommies and it was just the most beautiful time. You know when you do nothing to pass the time and it seems like it was the best use of your time ever... that was our Sunday afternoon. One of those afternoons you read about in some eloquent article or a feel good book. It really was the highlight of our crazy day.

Spring has Sprung

This weekend was wonderful. First and foremost because the weather was amazing. Finally, some sun and much needed heat. hip hip hooray!!!

About two weeks ago, Nemi and I planted our seeds (cilantro, spearmint, basil, scallions, and oregano). Some of the pots are clearly labeled and others are not (good job, Mom). This week we noticed that some of the seeds are starting to grow, yippee - only that we do not know what it is because it has no label (good job, Mom) - so we have yet to see what those are. Today we noticed that the cilantro is sprouting (labels, Yes!!). I am so excited. I called Nemi over and together we counted to sproutlings (whatever) and gave each other a high five. Last year I had no luck with my attempts to have fresh herbs in the house, but hopefully this year Nemi will be my lucky charm. Well, sort of, behind the scenes my friends Lori and Leah get most of the credit because they told me when, and where and how to plant my seeds. Believe me when I tell you that I am not very good with gardening, so I take in all the help I can get. At the end of the day we will see if I could maintain what has begun. If so, here is my plan. To make:
Homemade spaghetti sauce with fresh basil and oregano
Homemade sofrito with fresh cilantro
Kimani's secret BBQ sauce with fresh scallions
Loads of mint tea - maybe even some minted lebana (wrong spelling, but it is an Arabic dip- delish!) - Amin and Cindy I need your guidance here.

Well, we are all looking forward to it. I just hope I do not drown nor dry out the pots. Will keep you posted.

Ok on to the weekend. On Saturday we headed out for a walk to a near by walking area - Park Lake - and at first Kimani wanted to go around three times (yeah, right - we bearly made it once around). 3/4 of the way Nemi encounters the playground and yada yada yada we had a blast on the playground/beach.

Sunday was fun because I was sore from our walk at Park Lake, but I really wanted to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival in Newark. I have been wanting to go for years. So after church, we met up with Marisol who drove us as close to the event as she possibly could and after fighting to get a parking we finally made it to the park. Wow! I had never been there and though we found out later that last week the trees were in full bloom it was still a nice time. There was activities for the kids galore: face painting, decorate your own kite (that was cool), Turtleback Zoo petting zoo area, sand art station, and just all kinds of different things. The best part was the hot dog we bought. It was about 12 or 13 inches long. HUGE! Literally Kimani, Nemi, and I all ate from the one we bought. Huge!

Nemi's School Project

Nehemiah was given a school project back in March to read four books on sports and fill out a quick form regarding the story and they would get to go to a baseball game for free, with a picnic and a parade.

Easy, right?

The project was due today, April 15th.

Great, I have some time to do it.

Well, Mommy waited until yesterday (the 14th) to do this little project... of course.

I literally ran to the library, 25 minutes before having to be at the school to pick him up mind you; finally got my library card; told the librarian to give me any 4 books on sports and ran off to school for a meeting.

Later on that night, right before putting him to bed mind you, I am literally speed reading through the books and filling out the forms.

Sheesh!! I certainly hope Nehemiah does not pick up on my bad habits of procrastination.

Well, the good thing is that we got the project in on time and we will all get to go out on a family night to a baseball game, attend a picnic and participate in a parade. I hope it was all worth it.

Sweet Sleep

my Kimberlee slept through the night two nights ago and again last night. She will be 3 months tomorrow and is doing great. I am so excited she slept all night. Though I woke up in pain and engorged, I did not mind. I had my sleep.

I love it, Nemi was a good sleeper as well. Love my kids - and my hubby. They are amazing.

Easter Weekend 2009

We had a great Easter weekend. Again, I cannot upload any photos to share with you, but at some point or other I will.

So Saturday we went to upstate New York to visit my family. It was my second cousin's 5th birthday. We had such a great time hanging out with everyone. We were the first ones to arrive, and we loved that because we got to reconnect and catch up. I had not been up there since last year and we really missed them. Well, when the time came for the piñata all the kids got a turn. Nemi did not put the blinders on because he just does not tolerate anything on his face, but let me tell you he swung at that piñata quite hard and with determination to get the treats. Once the birthday boy broke the piñata and the candy flew out he was done, well, i should say in heaven. He filled his pockets, he filled his daddy's pockets, he had so much candy we had to scatter and hide it. It was just too much. He had a great time with his cousins and the food (of course) was exquisite.

On Sunday, we went up to church and after that we headed to the Bronx to spend Easter with Tony and his family. We were tired from Saturday, but it was important to us to go because it was our first Easter with them. It was such a blessing that we went. We enjoyed ourselves so much we almost did not want to leave. It was already 9pm and we were still trying to get out of the house. It was way too late for both the kids, but if they had had a spare room, we would've definitely stayed the night.

Being at Tony's house for Easter was exceptionally special. We love how engaging they are and welcoming. Tony hurried in the kitchen to spend time with his grand-daughter, unfortunately she screamed her head off when he would take her. I told him she does that with Kimani as well, not to take it personal... she only wants me most of the time. I did want him to hold her so I would feed her and give her to him to burp, thinking, now she is fed, she will not scream - but no she would scream. Ok, let me change her diaper and she will be fine.... nope she would scream. Oh! ok so let her fall asleep on my shoulder and then you can take her, she will be fine then... yeah! for about a minute. He begins to kiss her and she wakes up screaming - - sorry I tried. We are gonna have to wait a few months. He loves his grand-daughter. He got her the most beautiful dress for her dedication. Cannot wait for her to wear it.

Anyway, with all the family activities this weekend we did not get to do the egg hunt here at the house for Nemi. In hindsight, we did have time, but we wanted to make sure we were not late to go to the Bronx, so we skipped the egg hunt and decided to do it Monday. It was a lot of fun because we did it inside the house and Nemi was entertained for a while looking for all the eggs. He stopped hunting when he found the one with all the candy. All the other eggs had stickers, tattoos, compressed towels (the ones you put in water and they expand), bubbles, etc [most of it thanks to the M&M Bunny Trail giveaways]. Instead of a basket he had a pail with a shovel attached to it. I told Kimani that there were only pink baskets and with the pail he is now all set for the beach and the rest of the summer.

We also had a great time in prayer as we drove to Upstate NY and to the Bronx and back. The Lord is giving us an opportunity to be open and honest with all the things going on in our lives and to dedicate ourselves in prayer for each other and our marriage.

Nemi-isms

Nemi has been announcing everything that goes on regarding his body. If he bumps into something he will say, "I got an ouchie - my elbow (or where ever)".

Lately he also announces his contribution to the environment. When he passes gas he will say, "I farted."
I say, "oh Ok, say excuse me."
he says, "out my butt!"
"ok Nemi, we get it. Say excuse me"
"'cuse me!"

It cracks me up. I just hope he does not go into so much detail when we are out. I do not think other people will find it as cute as we do.

Nemi's Slang

I was helping Nehemiah clean up his room and at one point I dropped something and said, "oops! my bad!". He of course repeated what I said and I found it quite cute.

Well, that was about three weeks ago and even today he would drop something or mess up on an alphabet letter or something and say, "oops, my bad!"

My boy. He is so funny. How much I love him.

More pictures

House For Sale - Again

ok so that house that I have been keeping an eye of for the past two years is back on the market. Crazy, right?

Yeah! so I guess they should have worked with us when we asked them to let us rent it with an option to buy. Oh! well, I guess they really want to just sell it our right, which of course makes sense. One day we will own a home and I cannot wait to finally settle in to a place of our own. I want to have a little garden to grow my herbs.

Speaking of growing herbs I just remembered that I bought the things I need to grow... or should I say ATTEMPT to grow a few herbs this season. I got oregano, cilantro, spearmint (for teas), basil and something else I cannot remember. I should have Nemi help me plant the seeds that would be a fun activity.

Well, let us see if we could get that green thumb this time around. Wish me luck.

Kimberlee's First Photo Shoot

Sunday we went to our friend's house (Amin and Cindy) and Cindy is an awesome photographer. She took my pregnancy pictures when I was pregnant with Nemi and most of the ones of Nemi in his first year. I love her pictures and as a matter of fact we were noticing that two of her pictures made it to national television via A Baby Story.

So she and her hubby set up a makeshift photo studio in her basement for the first ever photo shoot. They improvised a lot, but let me tell you it all paid off. The pictures of Kimberlee were awesome. We would have taken more pictures if it was not so late in the night. It was past 9pm and Kimberlee was way past her bed time. She gave us a few smiles, but the truth is that it was quite a long day and she was pooped, she was a trooper to allow us the few pics we took.

I am so excited to going back and doing more pictures of the kids and even family shots.

Nehemiah's Independence

Wow so as moms we want to see our little ones reach and master the typical milestones and become independent, right? so why do I feel sad and happy when my Nemi finally masters something. I am so proud of him.

At times I feel guilty for doing so much for Nemi. Though for certain things I encourage him to do for himself, there are other things that I just could not fully surrender and let him have a go. Things like feeding himself and bathroom runs.

With the feeding I felt like he just would never eat if it were up to him. He would not sit and feed himself, though he could, he would always be interested in something else. Like every other child. So finally, I had to give up control and let him eat as much or as little as he wanted when he was ready to eat without ending up in me feeding him. Funny thing is that now he sits there and feeds himself most of not all of the food. Things that make you go hmm.

As for the bathroom thing - for a long time it was more because he would not communicate his need and I really did not want to deal with the mess in the bathroom. Funny enough (again) he now goes to the bathroom and actually stands there and aims and goes and .... I mean WOW! I was so amazed when I first saw him. Kimani did such a good job teaching him and I never knew because I always took him and did it all for him.

What kinds of things does Nehemiah do for himself by himself now:
Dresses himself: undies, socks, pants, and for the most part the shirt and even his coat.
Feeds himself: hot foods (he actually blows it), cold cereal, pours his own drinks
Bathroom runs: he does not always tell us when he has to go so sometimes he goes by himself all together, at times he tells us and other he just has accidents - I have accepted that as part of life and one day the accidents will stop.

I guess the next set of things is for him to is:
read his name and Mom and Dad
write his first and last name
bathe himself - I am sure he could do it now if I let him, but I am afraid he will 'forget' body parts so I always do it for him.

M&M Mars Easter Bunny Trail

So I had been looking forward to going to the M&M Mars Easter Bunny Trail this year since it is our "kick off" to a fun-filled summer.

I had given the kids a bath the night before so that it would make the morning go smoother. It paid off since we got there like 10 after 9, which was quite an impressive accomplishment. Only 10 minutes late. I aimed to arrive at 9am thinking we would actually get there at about 10am, but hey, I will take 10 minutes late over one hour.

Kimberlee wore her cousin's yellow dress with the yellow hat. She looked too cute and she was quite warm with all the layers I put on her. Nehemiah wore jeans and a red shirt. He looked super cute too. I wanted them to dress in M&M colors (corny, right?). Kimani wore a yellow shirt to match his daughter and I was the odd ball in white and light green.

When we got there the line was already quite long. We were told that since Mars was not sure if it was gonna pour down rain or not, they decided to just set up tables and distribute the candy to the children and skip the hunt. We got so much candy I felt like it was Halloween and we should have been saying, "Trick or Treat".

We were excited to just be there. We took pictures with the Red and Yellow M&M characters. We did not have the heart to take Kimberlee out of her car seat because it was windy and it seemed like it got colder as time went by. The Easter bunny came out when we were leaving, but we decided to skip it.

In total we were there for about an hour and we wished the weather had cooperated and we could have stayed longer and taken more pictures, maybe next year.

It was a beautiful drive up and back that allowed for some nice conversation and I think we both feel that it was definitely worth it because that is the reason for these outings; for us all to reconnect and spend quality time together.

This weekend coming up I am going to do an egg hunt with Nehemiah here in the house/complex (if the weather permits) and that will be our Easter. Looking forward to more memories this summer.

Paint Sample

So today I painted a small portion of the living room wall to test out the color we picked out. Elegant Yellow (SW 6666 from Sherwin Williams).

The day is a bit overcast today, but I am glad we get to see the color on the wall with natural light. So far I like it so lets see how Kimani likes it when he gets home.

Hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow and we will get to see the color with the sunlight as well before we do the entire living room.

I am so looking forward to the final look.

Fun Filled Summer 2009

As Kimani and I were thinking about what we wanted to do this summer and where we wanted to go on vacation we decided to skip the one big even in the summer and spread the vacation love throughout all the summer months.

So our plan is to do at least two big outings a month. I am really excited about that. Some of the things we will doing are listed below:

M&M Factory
Hershey Park
Ballooning Fest
Cherry Blossom Festival
Montauk Lighthouse

and several other things we want to do... I am so looking forward to it. Our goal is to really connect with each other and enjoy, no savor, each and every moment we have together.

There it is.

Kimberlee has found her hand.

She was just watching her hand as she moved it back and forth for a good while.

She also sucks her thumb. Well, she would suck her thumb if she would just open her thumb and let it in her mouth, but she usually keeps her fist tight and suck the length of the thumb. I am not even sure if this makes sense, but it is the best I could do. I guess I should say she sucks her fist.

Anyway, it is so wonderful to enjoy all these things with her. I was back at work at this stage with Nemi and I am really enjoying being home this time around.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

Kimberlee's hair is growing longer and though in some areas she is getting bald spots, in other areas it is beginning to curl up. It is interesting to see that when I wash her hair and let it air dry, it dries curly and really cute. However, if I brush it out while it is still wet, it straightens out enough to where the curls are only at the ends.

My girl is so precious... Love you girl.

Ok Mama

So I often refer to Kimberlee as Mama when I talk to her, "Are you ok Mama?", "Hey Mama!" and so on. Well, Nemi ever so often will refer to her as mama as well, which is really cute.

Well, yesterday we were waiting at Kimani's job until he finished his shift and Kimberlee needed her pacifier, so I gave it to her and I ask Nehemiah, "Nemi is she ok?" and he reaches over and says, "Are you ok Mama?" It was so cute. It made me laugh.

Oh! Nemi you are such a great big brother. I love you buddy! [I cannot call you baby anymore because you are now 5 years old and you are a big boy].

A day at the park

Today we had a hectic start to our day. Kimani had to be at work at 4am. We had to be in Brooklyn by noon for a meeting Kimani had and we were all sleep deprived, even Nemi. Kimberlee was up from 4 until about 630. She was hungry but she did not know it, so all of my attempts were refused until I was ready to pass out and she realized she was hungry and cries like I have been ignoring her needs all this time... then she feel asleep on a full stomach and Nemi is up within the next hour asking for pancakes.

After Kimani's meeting we decided to just bite the bullet and go to a near by park to enjoy the not-so-cold weather instead of going to the house and sleep.

Let me tell you we had such a great time. It was truly the best 25 minutes we spent today. Though we were exhausted and in much need of a nap we took the kids out (Nemi and his cousin) and had a great time seeing them play in the park.

We wondered why we had not gone out there before. It is only two blocks from the house and very many times we wanted to do something that was not as far as Central Park and not a museum where silence and stillness is required. With Nemi and ourselves bored out of our minds that park would have been a great outlet. Not sure why, but we were glad we went today. Nemi filled our hearts with joy as he decided to forgo the stairs to go to the slide and go up an "obstacle". We were so proud of him. He is really coming out of his shell and trying things he would consider scary in the past.

It was really perfect because it was empty when we first arrived so we had the park to ourselves. I took lots of great pictures even though I was in photo-shoot mode and the kids only wanted to play. It was kind of funny that I would continue to stop their flow for a picture. Most of the times they ignored me... good for them... they just wanted to play... and I wanted to capture their joy.

-ds

2 month visit

Yesterday was my little Kimberlee's 2 month doctor's appointment. She is doing really well. Right on target with her milestones and neurological developments, which is great news. She now weighs 11 lbs 2 oz. She is 22.5 inches, which is petite on the scale. :)

I had several questions and the doctor was great at letting me know what is up.

1. Kimberlee has lots of congestion and that is how Nehemiah sounded when he developed asthma, will she also have asthma?
- No. Her congestion is in the nose not the lungs, so she will be fine.

2. She has lots of dry skin and I wonder if it is eczema (sp?)?
- No. She just has lots of dry skin, feel free to use Aveno for babies and it should clear up, but we will check again at the next visit to be sure.

3. We may start vaccinating her at 24 months or so, what do you suggest be our plan of action?
- Well, at that age, children may become a bit traumatized because we have to give them so many shots to have them catch up that they begin to associate the doctor's office with pain. However, I will not give more than two shots at a time or if you want one at a time. We will just have to meet once a month to be able to catch them up with all the vaccines.

4. Could we bring our own earrings when you pierce her ears?
- No. We use a sterilized set of earrings made with material that will not interact with the skin and we strongly advice you have her wear those first before you put in regular earrings on her.

Ok. So there you have it. It was a great quick appointment and Kimberlee is just fine. On my way home I got a call from Nemi's teacher that he had a poopoo incident at school and had to get him. My little fella' :( I think he just had a very hectic weekend.

talk to you soon,
ds

Daily Record Article

March 14, 2009

Rockaway couple share story of birth on TLC program

By Rob Jennings
Daily Record

ROCKAWAY -- Datnee Smith is sharing the birth of her daughter, Kimberlee, with a national television audience.

Smith, 31, of Rockaway, her husband, Kimani, and Kimberlee -- born Jan. 16 at Morristown Memorial Hospital -- will be featured starting Tuesday on "A Baby Story."

The episode featuring the Smiths -- the 1,116th during the show's 11-year run on The Learning Channel -- will chronicle their lives through the latter stages of her pregnancy and Kimberlee's birth in Morristown.

The couple said video cameras and crew in the hospital delivery room were not a distraction, mostly because they were so focused on what was happening.

"After a while, you forget about them," said Datnee Smith.

Met in college

Smith was born in Puerto Rico and graduated from Nyack College in 2002 with a degree in psychology. She met Kimani Smith, now a quality assurance technician at Alcoa in Dover, while both were in college. They married and have a 5-year-old son, Nehemiah.

The episode, which will be repeated several times on TLC, will run for the first time at 3 p.m. Tuesday. Datnee and Kimani are holding a viewing party with family and friends at their Hillside Avenue apartment.

Smith said she is a longtime fan of the show and, upon becoming pregnant a second time, applied online to participate.

"We were really excited to have conceived again," she said

Smith explained that she was diagnosed with endometriosis following Nehemiah's birth and that doctors initially believed she might not be able to have another baby.

Smith, who delivered Nehemiah by Caesarean section, made the unusual decision -- in accordance with her doctors -- to deliver Kimberlee by what is referred to as a VBAC -- vaginal birth after Caesarean. Most woman who become pregnant after having delivered a baby by Caesarean section opt not to proceed with a vaginal delivery due to potential complications, such as rupturing, that are more likely due to the previous surgery.

Smith's obstetrician, David Garfinkel, said that "VBACs, in general, are always a little stressful," adding, "A lot of physicians are not offering VBACs because of medical liability issues."

But everything turned out fine. Garfinkel, who estimated he has delivered about 150 babies per year for the past 15 years, said the delivery was mostly uneventful with the exception of minor fetal distress.

Kimberlee arrived weighing 6 pounds, 1 ounce, and was 19 inches long.

TLC provided the following synopsis of what viewers will see and hear on television starting on Tuesday:

"Datnee's plan is to deliver this baby naturally. She felt like her right to labor as a woman was taken away from her the first time around, so she is bound and determined to get it right this time. And when she is a week overdue, the doctor decides to induce her.

"As the pitocin begins, Datnee is feeling good and thinks she can handle this pain for sure. She and Kimani walk around the halls of the hospital to kick labor into high gear. But as soon as the doctor checks her and she is 5 (centimeters) dilated. He decides to break her water, which throws Datnee into very active labor and the pain intensifies. Datnee's cries for help go unanswered as she quickly dilates to 10 and is ready to push!

"As the pushing begins, everything happens very fast and furiously. It took about four pushes before baby Kimberlee finds her way into the world. She is welcomed with cries of joy as this family is thrilled to finally meet her. Kimani is so proud that is wife was able to birth this baby just as she had planned! And when Nehemiah meets his baby sister for the first time, he has nothing but love for her."

Kimani Smith said he was glad to have participated in the show.

"I thought it was a wonderful experience, to show the whole behind-the-scenes," Smith said.

TLC declined to say what, if anything, the family was paid. Datnee said they were given a pack of diapers, two boxes of Clorox wipes and were promised a DVD of the show.

Additional Facts

When to watch
The Smith family's "Baby Story" will air for the first time at 3 p.m. Tuesday on The Learning Channel.

Favoritism

So is it fair when children have a favorite parent? As parents we try hard to make all things equal and for all the children to feel as important and loved and wanted. But how about when the children say to themselves (and others), "I belong to ___."

And is it more unfair when that favorite parent is NOT the one who carried the child in their belly for nine months, seeing their body take on a whole new look, and then have to go under the knife to finally meet the child, and be recuperating from that surgery for YEARS to come.....

Hello!!! it is perfectly clear who the favorite parent should be, but no the jury has spoken and the vote was for none other than daddy. And yes he is a good daddy, but how about the momma.

Well, now there is another child who is clearly making it known that mommy is the preferred parent and no daddy, you do not get to be jealous in any way because for the past 5 years plus 9 months of belly time, I have been second and it is time for Mommy to be mommy and love every minute of it.

Yes, Nemi will FOREVER be daddy's boy. I have even asked him if he was mine in the midst of mending his wound and kissing his hurting knee:
MOM: "Nemi are you mine?"
NEMI: "Daddy's."
MOM: "Nemi are you Mommy's or Daddy's?"
NEMI: "Daddy's."
MOM: "Nemi come on, are you Daddy's or Mommy's?" (As if switching it up on him will really make a difference, I mean I am trying hard here.)
NEMI: "Daddy's."
MOM: "Oh! Ok. " (I guess I lose the battle again, but beware... I shall win the war, har har har har)

Well, this has been a fun little tug o'war that Kimani and I have always had. We love our Nemi, and now we look forward to Kimberlee wanting only Mommy, har har har..... :) I am having too much fun with this.

until later,
ds

Follow up

So yesterday I went for my six-week check up at the OBGYN and it went really good. Everything seems to be back to normal and I have only a few more pounds to lose to be back to my 'regular' weight. By a few I mean a lot more than I expected so, where are my workout tapes?

I am so thankful to have been refered to this OBGYN practice. They are really nice and a fun bunch of girls. The Doctor and the Midwife are really attentive and make it such a personal experience.

Kimberlee was introduced to the Dr. G for the first time since delivery and we had a great laugh reliving the labor and delivery. Dr. G is pretty cool. Kimani did not get to go with me this time and everyone "missed" him. He is usually the one that makes everyone laugh during my check ups, so they notice when he is not around.

Anyway, will chat more later.....

hasta la vista, baby

For Kimberlee

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realise what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An' what will be.
An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.

Has anyone ever been able to take a picture of a child right as he is winking at you. this is a great picture.

And here is Kimberlee Ann. Looking like the nun she will become. :)

Just a spoon full of sugar...

I finally got my medicine for my cough. It is about time I got off my lazy butt. I should be a hundred percent by next week. Yeepeee!!!

No more cramps/contractions since I was discharged two days ago, so that is also good news.

talk to you later,
ds

No Title... Just the story

I am so tired I cannot think of a title for this blog, so I am just going to go right into it.

Tuesday night we were having a nice family night enjoying one of the few shows Kimani and I agreed to watch this season, Eli Stone. Once it was over we went to bed and I began to feel a little cramping in my lower abdomen. The entire area below my bellybutton began to just feel like a cramp that would come and go every so often. I made a mental note of the time and how often I thought I felt this cramping.

After a while I got up to go to the living room and when I saw the time, it was about 1220am. I made a second mental note that I had the reoccurring pain for about an hour now and it would come what seemed every five minutes. At this time I called the emergency hot line for my OBGYN and did just what Dr. Garfinkel said..."Drink about a bucket of water and call me in two hours"

OK so I drank the bucket of water within the first hour because I was really hoping it was braxton hicks. And I as i laid I prayed the pain would stop and that it was just from dehydration. Even if it was just 'hicks, I wanted the pain to go away. I thought that at 28 weeks this kind of pain could not be good.

So at about 4am I spoke to the doc again and he asked me to come in for a premature labor evaluation. Now, at this time I was concerned, but somehow I knew I was not in labor. I still went to the hospital because I did want to get checked out and I really wanted to sleep and I could not do that with the cramps coming and going. I was up all night already.

By the time I got there I was contracting every three to four minutes. They checked if I had effaced or dilated, and thankfully I had not. They also did a test to find out my likelihood of going into labor in the next two weeks and that came back negative, which was good news.

They gave me a couple of shots to stop all the contractions and we went home with the instructions to call/come back if the contractions started again.

At first i was not even sure if I should call the doctor or wait until the next day and go in to the doctor's office because I did not ever have any contractions with Nehemiah and I was not certain what was going on. I also did not want to make it seem like I was being a baby or whatever (I always think people think I am being a big baby and I hate that I think that), so I was home doing my Bradley breathing I learned from the book and just remained calm and relaxed with every cramp, well, contraction. I felt so good when at one point the doctor is looking at the monitor and he says to me, "well, you did the right thing by coming in because many women would feel the pain and not come. You are actually contracting and we have to stop this, so I am glad you are here. You are not in labor, but we want to make sure the cramps do not continue because eventually you will dilate." That lifted such a weight off my shoulders.

So needless to say, I am to take it easy. Dr. Kimani Smith has put me on bed rest, and I am not to cook, clean or even have intercourse for the next three months (yeah, we will see about those orders "Dr."). My only duty is to take Nemi to school and bring him home. Kimani is so loving, I love having him. He is so protective over his family, and concerned for our well-being. He is so much more than I ever expected.

Nemi too was so good. We took him to the hospital with us, because it being the middle of the night, we just could not get ourselves to wake anyone up to watch him so we took him and he did good considering his sleep got disrupted and he was in the hospital waiting area for about 5 hours.

Well, right now I still feel a bit dazed, and dizzy. I am going to rest some more and hope to just feel better over all. I want to get rid of this crazy cough that I have had for the past two weeks. I just want to be 100% again, could any one please help me.

Oh! one last thing, I am going to have to call my dad and ask him to reconsider coming up at the end of the year. Not having Kimani in the room with me because he had to stay in the waiting area with Nemi was a bit of a killer. Kimani had no clue what was going on, and I had no support when the nurses left. We need to leave Nemi with someone when we go to real labor and I hope he could come up and help us. Right now our option is for Kimani to take me to the hospital and then go to Brooklyn to drop Nemi off with Kimani's parents. I cannot even imagine how long that will take and the chance of traffic or an accident delaying his return already makes this whole plan futile.

You know I am going to ask my friend/neighbor if we could leave him with her if it happens during the day - and then later take him to Brooklyn. If I go into labor in the middle of the night, I am sure traffic will not be an issue so Kimani could do the NY run; that way we could leave him there for days if we have to.

So keep us in prayer. This turned to be a bit long... sorry.

-ds

Batman Begins... for Nemi

Oh! the little milestones we get to experience.



We have been contemplating getting for Nehemiah a full size bed because his crib turned into a toddler bed and then to a full size bed... However, Kimani's colleague was selling a twin size bed (headboard and everything) and we thought, you know we could always just use his current crib for the baby and just get him the twin size bed.



Oh! goodness... when he saw the bed he was all excited and he was helping his daddy put it together and everything so when Kimani finished he made the bed with the Batman sheet set and Nehemiah was all over the batman sheets and yada yada yada, until......



it was time to actually go to bed.



He kept going back to his crib (well, toddler bed) with his pillow and saying, Night Night... like telling us, 'I am supposed to be on this bed...'



Well, eventually he did fall asleep on the twin size bed, but it was weird to see him in that big bed. We are so used to seeing him in the toddler, which he has been in that bed since he came home from the hospital and to suddenly see with our own eyes that he is growing up and needs a 'big boy' bed it was a bit surreal... Like wow! he is actually gonna be 5. We knew for a long htime he needed a bigger bed but to see it here in the house and him laying in it was tugging at our hearts.



Kimani thinks he will not take it well that the new baby will be in 'his' crib when she comes... I said, 'do not worry, he will be fine'. I mean, what else am I supposed to say. This is one of those things that no one has a choice in the matter, Nehemiah is getting big and we are having a baby. So we are all going to have to adjust to the changes and keep it moving with an open mind come what may.



-ds

Happy Birthday Ice Cream!!

yeah!

I love love love Cold Stone Ice Cream and I am soooo looking forward to going over today and getting my free birthday ice cream. yum yum. My favorite combination is the chocolate ice cream with almonds and either oreo cookies or brownie. They are both good, but having both cookies and brownie is a bit much. In any case, there is nothing like some good birthday ice cream and when it is free it is just even better.

--

Nemi - the Higglytown Hero

So Nehemiah is a little hero in his own world. Here is what happened.

It was time to take him to school and like I do every morning, I told him to get in the car and give me the seat belt. While he is doing this, I usually throw the car keys from the back seat on to the driver seat, along with my wallet and his backpack. That way when I finish with him, I just get in the front seat and have all the things I need.

Some how or other, I do not even know how it happened, all the doors locked without me noticing. So I closed Nemi's door and tried to open my door and... "Oh! Oh!". I try his door... "oops!!" I remained calm because the morning was nice and chilly so he was not going to be in a hot car. So I happened to have my cell phone in my pocket to call Kimani to ask someone for a ride to the house to help us out. While I am leaving a message on Kimani's voicemail, Nehemiah begins to play with the door handle and since he cannot open it because of the child lock, I tell him Nemi pull the other piece (or whatever I said). So he did and he actually unlocked the door himself and I quickly opened the door before he locked it again. I was so proud of him. He was the hero in his own rescue - though he did not even know he had to be rescued.

Good job Nemi.

Kimberlee's First Shoes

I love these little shoes. They are so absolutely perfect. I received them from one of the moms I met at Nehemiah's school. She is so kind to me. Her daughter is in Nemi's class and she is so cute.

As soon as I saw these shoes I placed them on Kimani's pillow and when he got home I told him, "I think Kimberly is coming home in these." He is so in love with his daughter. We are so in love with both our children. I do not even know if the shoes will fit her when she is three days old, but for Kimani and I it is perfect for her to come home in. I had Nehemiah's outfit picked out so early on and when Kimani was getting him dressed to come home (with his Mommy-crocheted booties, sweater and hat), I could not hold in my laugh because Nemi was so skinny and everything was so big on him. I still remember that day. It was cute.

Anyway, we are so excited to have another baby join our family. We hope Nemi adjusts well, we shall see...

Until later,

Momma

Time flies when you are having fun.

I had planned to blog all about this pregnancy, and keep up with all the details about having this baby, but that surely did not happen.

So let me see what I need to update you on. We are having a baby girl... we are going to name her Kimberly Ann... I am on week 24 as I write this... thus far I have gained one pound... I look smaller in real life than in pictures. I feel great.

So many stories to tell you... Nehemiah has been so sweet with this pregnancy. We would ask him where the baby is and he would come up to me and kiss my belly. So cute. Now that we all know it is a girl, he would say 'Hi Baby, hi sister', always melts my heart. I know that it is a bit abstract for him still, but I am sure he will do fine when she gets here.

I had thought about applying for The Baby Story (on TLC), but one of the requirements is to get concent from my OBGYN as to how they feel about being recorded and all that stuff. Well, my doctor (Dr. Karen) is not interested at all to be on TV, but his partner does not mind. After thinking about it we decided not to go through with the application because we did not want to deprive Dr. Karen the opportunity to deliver this baby if he happens to be on call that night, and he has been so supportive and he has worked so hard with us to be at this stage, that for us to apply and get in would be bittersweet since it may mean we would have to deliver with the other doctor. It was fun to consider it though.

Right now our biggest concerns are:
1. Setting up Nehemiah's room to welcome the baby. We do not want to wait until last minute.
2. What will happen with Nemi when we go deliver the baby... we have no idea who will stay with him. The current idea is to have my parents 'move' in and help us out. Worst comes to worst we will take him to the hospital with us and he could hang out a the nurse's station. (ha! that will be fun - I could see them going crazy already) I pray we deliver overnight so that he could just sleep the entire time if we have to do that.
3. How I will get Nemi to school once the holidays are over. I am thinking of asking the other moms from the classroom for help, but i sooo do not want to do that. I think I will end up having him home with me instead of inconveniencing anyone in any way.

I guess in the whole spectrum of the issues happening in life and in the world all around us... these concerns are by no means a point of worry, but I rather worry about these things than the economy.

all right, talk to you soon,

Datnee and baby :)

We made it to the end of the first trimester.

This is so exciting. (just so you know, it has taken me an entire week to write this - I kept on falling asleep). Finally, we are at the last week of the first trimester - week 12 - we saw the baby again this past Monday. Since we could not hear the heartbeat on the Doppler they did another sonogram. I really like our OB-GYN. Thank you Leah for recommending them.

This first trimester has been fun. The first month was a piece of cake, of course, since we did not even know what was going on. I say we as if Kimani feels anything at all, but anyway - you know what I mean. The second month was interesting in that my appetite change drastically and my taste buds were doing their own thing. And the third month was absolutely exhausting. I actually lost 5 pounds between the second and the third month. I was sleeping so much that even if I was hungry I just could not make it out of the bed (but mostly couch) to make something to eat.

Now I am beginning to learn the signs my body gives me to differentiate hunger and bionic fatigue, so I eat a little something before I knock out so that I do not sleep on an empty stomach.

Thank you Lord, that I did not throw up once. I am so grateful for that.... I hate puking. Well, it is not like anyone really loves it, but I just hate feeling like I am suffocating.

Well, I will keep you posted on our progress.

Talk to you soon.

There is nothing better than Grandma

So my mother is here to visit me and spend some much needed quality time with Nehemiah.

He is soo cute. As soon as he saw her when she arrived, he called out to her "Grandma" and jumped in her arms for a big hug. Very cute and quite moving being that I was right next to her and completely did not greet me, but I was totally ok with that.

Well, the next day we go to the store and Nemi is in the shopping cart as I push him along and at some point Mom decided to go to the next aisle over to check out something. As she leaves, Nehemiah says, "Bye Grandma!" A minute goes by and he says to me, "Mommy, I want my Grandma", my mother hears him on the next aisle and runs to her grandson, who so lovingly wants her and he looks at her and says, "I want gum". Mom, who is famous for always having chewing gum right at hand, loves the fact that he called out to her and happily hands him over a piece of gum.

Grandma is happy to see Nemi with his gum, and believe me, Nemi is happy Grandma is here to give him gum.

At long last love has come. Grandma and Nemi.

ds

I am not complaining I am just explaining!

Oh! My goodness. This pregnancy is soooooooo different than my “Nemi Belly”. It is unbelievable. I feel sooo sick. I mean not puke sick nor flu sick, but just very icky. My taste buds have completely disguised themselves into grossness and I constantly have this nasty aftertaste in my mouth. I love coffee so much. I cannot have it now. I like to have a ginger ale now and then and after I drink it (or any other sweet/sparkly beverage for that matter) I get this after taste in my mouth. So no I am down to drinking just water. Though I get the after taste in my mouth after I drink water as well it a lot more tolerable than after drinking other things. With Nemi I was fully fine the entire 9 months

What is more, I feel super hungry all the time, but since my taste buds are out of whack I cannot just eat anything. My appetite has been turned off, my olfactory is on full attention, taking in every scent and not liking anything at all, and my taste buds are on strike – rejecting every proposition for a peace treaty with the stomach.

Finally, I am sooo drained all the time. By 2pm everyday I am ready to just fall out and nap anywhere I am. When I was expecting Nemi I was soo energized, maybe the excitement of our first child had me on a constant high, but now I feel drained from within and having Nemi is also an external ‘draining’ factor that I did not have before. The good think is that Nemi is learning to play with me while I lay on the couch or the bed. In the very beginning he wanted me up and on my feet moving around with him and be after him at all times. Now, I guess he resolved to himself, ‘If I cannot beat them – join them’ and he will come on the couch and we play for as long as he wants.

Even though this pregnancy is different than my first one, I am really excited and happy to be expecting a miracle again. I look forward to seeing Nemi play with his sibling. Kimani is already starting to interact with the baby and talk to him/her like he did for Nehemiah. It is fun, and hopefully all of this ends in two weeks when I enter my second trimester.

I will surely keep you posted.
:)

Awwww!!!

Isnt' this the most beautiful picture you have ever seen!! Ja ja ja ja (in english now - ha ha ha ha).

I was so glad the OBGYN (Dr. Karen) took this picture of the little one. The heartbeat was strong and it is just teeny tiny.

Dr. Karen was amazing at helping us thourgh our 6 month treatment of endometriosis and now he put us at ease with this new pregnancy... He was so happy for us. He answered a lot of questions and gave us a lot of hope. More than anything he reassured me that if all goes well with the pregnancy, I could maybe deliver 'naturally' (VBAC). That was such great news.

Ok so we will keep in touch.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Nehemiah is so cute. We ask him where the baby is and he actually comes up to me and points to my belly. Yesterday we are putting him to bed and he says, 'give baby kiss' and kissed my belly. OH! I love that little boy. He is so loving and cute.

-ds

Life, death, and life again

It is so difficult when one has gone through the joys and sorrows of creating life and losing a life.


How does one reawaken hope when death has knocked at ones door.


About two years ago I had a miscarriage and up until recently I did not how much of my hope and faith had died. I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel trying to hold on to some kind of silver lining behind the clouds. In my head the storm had passed and even my words would speak of hope, but it was not until recently that I realized that my heart was fighting its way back from death too.


I no longer knew how to trust God. How do I really embrace his love for me when the one thing I begged him to keep away from me happened. I lost a child. I thought I was so OK with this and over it and that life went on. But I felt a new blow to my stomach when I was told I had a condition that actually rejects any embryo... and with that the sliver of life and hope within me was fully gone. I cannot give life. I have dreams and wishes and desires to have a big family. They say that desires are given to us from the Lord that we may trust Him for them as he aligns our lives to his will. Well there goes all of that.


How feeble minded we are! What tantrums we throw in our minds and hearts! How easily we forget that God is ALWAYS in control. He knows all things, and he does bring his will to pass.


He has not forgotten me. He loves me and even in my pain, I knew that only God himself could do a wonderful miracle. There was nothing 'humanly' possible that I could do to hold on to a child or even to compromise that child in my womb. If a child came to me it would be up to the very hand of God as to how far he would allow it to go. And finally I trust him. I believe that His word is true and that He is the Great Physician, and that he loves me with all my tantrums and doubts and uncertainties and he wants me to have the desires of my heart.

My heart is reawakened, there is hope in the impossible, there is love unconditional, for myself and once again for my God, there is faith unshakable that only God himself could be glorified in my life and bring about a miracle. The miracle of life once again. Life in my heart, in my spirit, in my womb. Yes!!! we should be holding this miracle of God's love in our hands by January 9th, 2009. I am already in love, I am overjoyed, I am blessed by my creator.

OH! what a beautiful morning
OH! what a beautiful day
I've got a wonderful feeling
All is a'going my way


I have to find the real lyrics to that song. It is from the Broadway play Oklahoma! I love Broadway. Kimani went with me to this play and we both thought it would be kind of out of our taste, and we may not enjoy it. But the tickets were free and we went anyway. Anything to have a little one on one. I love him. Well, lo and behold three years later, we still sing the stinking song to each other.

I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have him. I am sure most everyone (though it would be nice if it was everyone) feels the same about their own spouse. But I really am lucky. I was telling him the other day, "we have known each other for almost 10 years and this year we will be married 6. We cannot claim to be newlyweds anymore, though it sure feel like we just married still. We are now old married folks full of 'wisdom' and experience."

He laughed and hugged me - I love it when he fills my hug-a-meter.

In all honest truth I feel like we are still just friends hanging out, and fully enjoying each other's company. We laugh so much, and we don't seem to get as annoyed, or fight about so many little things. I could see how much more we trust each other, and trust our love for each other and how fully comfortable we are being around each other.

I hate hearing the horror stories of those people who have been married for 18 - 20 years. They seem to be so over it and just at the end of their rope, and we look at each other and say, 'boy! I hope that does not happen to us.'

It is true we have to work at it and continually surrender our marriage to the Lord, and always pray for each other, but the fear is still there that we may fall in that category. That after 2 decades of dedication to each other we would be worn out and have nothing else to give.

As joyful as I would be to be glorified with my savior and live eternally with my first true love, my carnal flesh feels a sadness to know that once in heaven Kimani and I will no longer be married. I already miss him. I know for a fact, I will care less about him or where he is because I will be so enveloped in my master that Kimani will be the last thing on my mind. But I am in love with him, and I wish we could like that forever.

Kimani, for all the beautiful and unique ways you love me. For finding a way to love me the way no one else could. I am grateful. I love you so much for all of your support, kind words and attempts to be faithful in every way. You are amazing, and I am lucky to have you.

Mother's Day Reflection

Nehemiah,
Before having you I was not even sure I would ever live up to be a mom, and everything that it entails.

Seeing you now at 4.5 years old, has really been a blessing. You have really shown me how impatient I am and intolerant, but at the same time you have given me a new start and a new hope that I can change my ways and be a good mom to you and any other sibling you may have (God willing).

I love being your Mom, and knowing that I could love someone unconditionally.

I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud I am of your progress, and how thankful I am of the change in me because of you and even your Dad in my life. I want to be the very best Mom you could ever have. That anyone could ever have.

I know in about 10 years or so we will not always see eye to eye, and we may bump heads at times. I do hope, however, that after that period is over you may know that I have wanted only the best for you.

Well, I love you buddy. Thank you for giving me four years of celebrating Mother's Day. It is because of you that the day is filled with so much joy.

Mommy.

Do it yourself... but let an expert do it.

OK so I have to retract, rewrite or down erase my previous entry regarding my plants. I just want to make sure everyone knows that from the beginning I confessed I was no green thumb.

Well, time proves it. At the end of the day... my herbs have died. Everyone join me for a moment of silence................................... OK we are back. Thank you for your sympathy

I could say that it was because:
1- I planted them too early
2- I over watered them
3- I under watered them after I almost drowned them
4- I just neglected them a bit by going away every weekend, I mean when you are a momma of plants/herbs you cannot just go away and not care for them
5- plain old lack of skill.
6- I only put two seeds (I know I'm a nut) in each pod so there was not a lot of 'peer support' for them to survive. I could imagine the seeds feeling like they are dying of... whatever... and turning to their neighbor seeing them dead already and giving up all hope.

Now deep down in my liver, I think I know it was because of #1, but just because I am not ready to fully admit that (maybe after a few more months) I will say it was because of reasons 2-6.

Sadly, I had to throw out the first batch. It was a bit sad and embarrassing. The second time around, I put like half the pack of seeds in one pod and hopefully the power of numbers will help them to survive. I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is that i am not taking responsibility if they all die again.

Now the saddest part of this entire story is that with my excitement I went over to a friend's house and planted, you got it, two seeds per pod at her house. This is spelling disaster. Unfortunately, I keep on forgetting to ask her how they are doing, but I am not holding my breath or any such thing, because I got the feeling they are dead and probably in the garbage where mine ended up, which I really would not be mad, just more embarrassed. I need to just ask her and face the music.

I knew I should have left the planting and herb growing to the experts, but no - I just constantly give in to boredom and convince myself I could just it all.

Alright guys, that is all I have on this story. Now I have to figure out a title for this entry, that may take me a minute.
Green thumb vs brown thumb (eww! that sounds like it has to do with doodoo)
Green thumb vs no thumb
To seed or not to seed
Do it the expert way
Do it, but don't do it
Do it yourself, but get an expert
Do it yourself, but let an expert do it.

Ok got it, talk to you soon.

Rain and Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... When it rains it pours.

These two sayings are tossed around so often in our everyday lives, but I cannot remember the last time I felt everything crash down around me so much that I had to tell myself these sayings. Well, that is after reminding myself to cast all my burdens upon the Lord because he cares for me.

Last week was such a tulmoltulous week. Is that even a word. I tend to make words up as I go. Maybe I spelled it wrong. Anyway, the point is that one thing after the other seemed to be going wrong. It has been a slow drip for the last two months. Here and there we would feel the pinch or the discomfort, but when last week hit, boy it was just about all i could handle. The biggest thing is that our car broke down and we have been carless for about a week now.

I knew things were bad, when I almost broke down to cry in front of my boss when he asked me if everything was alright. I mean there is no 1 specific thing I could point out to, it is just a series of little things.

Today, I am sooooo glad it is Sunday. It is a new week, a new start. The clouds have moved away, it is done pouring, I am having my lemonade and we are ready to move forward. Well sort of - we just need to get our car back ;]

Prayer Time

How cute... We have a night routine to put Nehemiah to bed, read the Word to him and pray. Then Kimani and I turn off the lights, and leave him to fall asleep.

Last night, Nehemiah calls out to me and says, "Mommy, let's pray." So Kimani and I turn back and kneel down by Nehemiah's bed and are quiet. We had already prayed with him, so we figured he wanted to say something specific. So after a moment he says, "Jesus thank you for blessings."

I just cried. I mean it may not seem like a big deal, but for him to say and entire sentence without being prompted or fed the words one by one, it was just amazing.

We are so proud of him. He is just too cute.

Wazzz up

Well, I am home today. It is Monday and usually I am at my part time job, but today I am enjoying the nice rainy - cold - windy day. Being cooped up inside does not bother me much, if I have not done it in a while.

Wow! it seems like this year is turning out to be quite challenging. I love seeing how God shows off his glory in our lives, but I am not crazy for the difficulties we have to endure in order for that to happen.

This is a picture of me on the train. I was sooooo bored on my way home I started taking pictures of the people around me. Those were weird so I got rid of them and took pictures of myself. I had such a blast. The conductor would walk by and tell me, 'are you that bored?' that made me laugh even more. I ended up taking like 11 pictures. it was so much fun. Now the level of fun was a direct correlation of the level of boredom. I am sure had I been on my right mind I would not have even done this. I may have considered it, but not gone through with it.

I hope to talk to you all soon.

Datnee

Nemi's new song

Oh! yeah!
Oh! yeah!
Oh! no!
Oh! no!
Oh! yeah!
Oh! no!

it is so cute how he sings it. He also loves this songs which he makes sure to shake his finger as he says no.

'No, no, no Jesus will never fail.'

though he never sings the rest of it.

'what he says he will do and he will never fail
Place your trust in man and he will surely fail
Place your trust in God and he will never fail.'

He just stays stuck in the chorus like a broken record.

'No, no, no Jesus will never fail.' imagine him with his finger high up in the air, saying no no no.

too cute.

A long time coming

It seems I took a little vacation from my blogging... Sorry!!! I do have many stories to share. From sweet things that Kimani says, to funny things Nehemiah does even to conversations with God. There are a lot of things coming down the pike (or the pipe - never know what the real word is).

Though I cannot guarantee they are in chronological order, I will be sure to post my stories.

I will start by saying that I am so proud of my 'light' green thumb. I say that because I am not good with plants and considered myself as not having a green thumb, but last year my friend Leah inspired me to plant a seed of Basil and it grew nicely and I even used it on my cooking and then I went on vacation and the plant died never to be revived again so this spring season I went all out and got several different herbs and they are growing nicely (boy this is a long sentence).

Anyway, thank you Leah! I am on a roll with my herbs... I even planted some at Marisol's house. Now I am not at her house to keep an eye on them, but I hope those too grow nicely.

Well, I look forward to making my cooking better... I planted basil, cilantro, chives, oregano, and cherry tomatoes. We expect Nehemiah to go crazy on the cherry tomatoes and just pop them in his mouth as soon as they bloom, no not bloom, grow... i guess - i need a dictionary...

Anyway, will be back with more stories in the weeks to come.

hasta la pasta,

datnee

Oh! Nemi

Lately you have been doing so many cute things that it is hard to keep up. One story that I think is worth looking back on is this one.

Last night you, me and your dad were on our way back home to Jersey from your grandparents in Brooklyn and like we usually do we stopped at Dunkin Donuts right outside the Holland Tunel. Your father got coffee for me and him and he treated us all to donuts. You ate up your glazed donut like you had never had one in your life. Unfortunately, I did not have any wipes or napkins to clean your hands, so both your hands were covered with the sugary glaze. You must have been sleepy already because the next thing I know you were sleeping with all four fingers of your left hand in your mouth. I began to laugh and it startled you, which made it even funnier because you kept your eyes closed as you changed positions and took out your left hand from you mouth to make room for your right hand. All four fingers straight into the mouth. too cute.

New Chairs :)

Check out our new chairs. We were so tired of our chairs looking dirty and just plain nasty from all the food that have fallen on them and the stains that have remained through the years. I had several pairs of jeans I wanted to so 'something' with and could not think about anything, then one day I was wanting to go to the store to get some material to cover the chairs and it hit me to use the jeans. I ran the idea by Kimani and he loved it, then my mother suggested we keep the pockets and Kimani thought it would be great to have the pockets and leave little notes for each other on them. I loved the idea and put the pockets on too.

they look great. Two chairs with big pockets from Kimani's jeans and two chairs with smaller pockets from my jeans.

too cute.

Outing at the Park

Nehemiah is doing soo cute, he enjoyed himself so much at the park recently. He keeps relying on us to help us through the things that seem difficult for him and I am to the point that I have to get him to be more secure in his own abilities and strength.

So he was at this park and wanted to go down the slide and I refused to help him up and then I caught this picture of him climbing the stairs to get to the slide. I was so proud of him that he actually made his way up there.

I love you very much, Nemi, you can do it honey. We believe in you.

Mom and Dad