Awwww!!!

Isnt' this the most beautiful picture you have ever seen!! Ja ja ja ja (in english now - ha ha ha ha).

I was so glad the OBGYN (Dr. Karen) took this picture of the little one. The heartbeat was strong and it is just teeny tiny.

Dr. Karen was amazing at helping us thourgh our 6 month treatment of endometriosis and now he put us at ease with this new pregnancy... He was so happy for us. He answered a lot of questions and gave us a lot of hope. More than anything he reassured me that if all goes well with the pregnancy, I could maybe deliver 'naturally' (VBAC). That was such great news.

Ok so we will keep in touch.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Nehemiah is so cute. We ask him where the baby is and he actually comes up to me and points to my belly. Yesterday we are putting him to bed and he says, 'give baby kiss' and kissed my belly. OH! I love that little boy. He is so loving and cute.

-ds

Life, death, and life again

It is so difficult when one has gone through the joys and sorrows of creating life and losing a life.


How does one reawaken hope when death has knocked at ones door.


About two years ago I had a miscarriage and up until recently I did not how much of my hope and faith had died. I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel trying to hold on to some kind of silver lining behind the clouds. In my head the storm had passed and even my words would speak of hope, but it was not until recently that I realized that my heart was fighting its way back from death too.


I no longer knew how to trust God. How do I really embrace his love for me when the one thing I begged him to keep away from me happened. I lost a child. I thought I was so OK with this and over it and that life went on. But I felt a new blow to my stomach when I was told I had a condition that actually rejects any embryo... and with that the sliver of life and hope within me was fully gone. I cannot give life. I have dreams and wishes and desires to have a big family. They say that desires are given to us from the Lord that we may trust Him for them as he aligns our lives to his will. Well there goes all of that.


How feeble minded we are! What tantrums we throw in our minds and hearts! How easily we forget that God is ALWAYS in control. He knows all things, and he does bring his will to pass.


He has not forgotten me. He loves me and even in my pain, I knew that only God himself could do a wonderful miracle. There was nothing 'humanly' possible that I could do to hold on to a child or even to compromise that child in my womb. If a child came to me it would be up to the very hand of God as to how far he would allow it to go. And finally I trust him. I believe that His word is true and that He is the Great Physician, and that he loves me with all my tantrums and doubts and uncertainties and he wants me to have the desires of my heart.

My heart is reawakened, there is hope in the impossible, there is love unconditional, for myself and once again for my God, there is faith unshakable that only God himself could be glorified in my life and bring about a miracle. The miracle of life once again. Life in my heart, in my spirit, in my womb. Yes!!! we should be holding this miracle of God's love in our hands by January 9th, 2009. I am already in love, I am overjoyed, I am blessed by my creator.

OH! what a beautiful morning
OH! what a beautiful day
I've got a wonderful feeling
All is a'going my way


I have to find the real lyrics to that song. It is from the Broadway play Oklahoma! I love Broadway. Kimani went with me to this play and we both thought it would be kind of out of our taste, and we may not enjoy it. But the tickets were free and we went anyway. Anything to have a little one on one. I love him. Well, lo and behold three years later, we still sing the stinking song to each other.

I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have him. I am sure most everyone (though it would be nice if it was everyone) feels the same about their own spouse. But I really am lucky. I was telling him the other day, "we have known each other for almost 10 years and this year we will be married 6. We cannot claim to be newlyweds anymore, though it sure feel like we just married still. We are now old married folks full of 'wisdom' and experience."

He laughed and hugged me - I love it when he fills my hug-a-meter.

In all honest truth I feel like we are still just friends hanging out, and fully enjoying each other's company. We laugh so much, and we don't seem to get as annoyed, or fight about so many little things. I could see how much more we trust each other, and trust our love for each other and how fully comfortable we are being around each other.

I hate hearing the horror stories of those people who have been married for 18 - 20 years. They seem to be so over it and just at the end of their rope, and we look at each other and say, 'boy! I hope that does not happen to us.'

It is true we have to work at it and continually surrender our marriage to the Lord, and always pray for each other, but the fear is still there that we may fall in that category. That after 2 decades of dedication to each other we would be worn out and have nothing else to give.

As joyful as I would be to be glorified with my savior and live eternally with my first true love, my carnal flesh feels a sadness to know that once in heaven Kimani and I will no longer be married. I already miss him. I know for a fact, I will care less about him or where he is because I will be so enveloped in my master that Kimani will be the last thing on my mind. But I am in love with him, and I wish we could like that forever.

Kimani, for all the beautiful and unique ways you love me. For finding a way to love me the way no one else could. I am grateful. I love you so much for all of your support, kind words and attempts to be faithful in every way. You are amazing, and I am lucky to have you.

Mother's Day Reflection

Nehemiah,
Before having you I was not even sure I would ever live up to be a mom, and everything that it entails.

Seeing you now at 4.5 years old, has really been a blessing. You have really shown me how impatient I am and intolerant, but at the same time you have given me a new start and a new hope that I can change my ways and be a good mom to you and any other sibling you may have (God willing).

I love being your Mom, and knowing that I could love someone unconditionally.

I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud I am of your progress, and how thankful I am of the change in me because of you and even your Dad in my life. I want to be the very best Mom you could ever have. That anyone could ever have.

I know in about 10 years or so we will not always see eye to eye, and we may bump heads at times. I do hope, however, that after that period is over you may know that I have wanted only the best for you.

Well, I love you buddy. Thank you for giving me four years of celebrating Mother's Day. It is because of you that the day is filled with so much joy.

Mommy.

Do it yourself... but let an expert do it.

OK so I have to retract, rewrite or down erase my previous entry regarding my plants. I just want to make sure everyone knows that from the beginning I confessed I was no green thumb.

Well, time proves it. At the end of the day... my herbs have died. Everyone join me for a moment of silence................................... OK we are back. Thank you for your sympathy

I could say that it was because:
1- I planted them too early
2- I over watered them
3- I under watered them after I almost drowned them
4- I just neglected them a bit by going away every weekend, I mean when you are a momma of plants/herbs you cannot just go away and not care for them
5- plain old lack of skill.
6- I only put two seeds (I know I'm a nut) in each pod so there was not a lot of 'peer support' for them to survive. I could imagine the seeds feeling like they are dying of... whatever... and turning to their neighbor seeing them dead already and giving up all hope.

Now deep down in my liver, I think I know it was because of #1, but just because I am not ready to fully admit that (maybe after a few more months) I will say it was because of reasons 2-6.

Sadly, I had to throw out the first batch. It was a bit sad and embarrassing. The second time around, I put like half the pack of seeds in one pod and hopefully the power of numbers will help them to survive. I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is that i am not taking responsibility if they all die again.

Now the saddest part of this entire story is that with my excitement I went over to a friend's house and planted, you got it, two seeds per pod at her house. This is spelling disaster. Unfortunately, I keep on forgetting to ask her how they are doing, but I am not holding my breath or any such thing, because I got the feeling they are dead and probably in the garbage where mine ended up, which I really would not be mad, just more embarrassed. I need to just ask her and face the music.

I knew I should have left the planting and herb growing to the experts, but no - I just constantly give in to boredom and convince myself I could just it all.

Alright guys, that is all I have on this story. Now I have to figure out a title for this entry, that may take me a minute.
Green thumb vs brown thumb (eww! that sounds like it has to do with doodoo)
Green thumb vs no thumb
To seed or not to seed
Do it the expert way
Do it, but don't do it
Do it yourself, but get an expert
Do it yourself, but let an expert do it.

Ok got it, talk to you soon.

Rain and Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... When it rains it pours.

These two sayings are tossed around so often in our everyday lives, but I cannot remember the last time I felt everything crash down around me so much that I had to tell myself these sayings. Well, that is after reminding myself to cast all my burdens upon the Lord because he cares for me.

Last week was such a tulmoltulous week. Is that even a word. I tend to make words up as I go. Maybe I spelled it wrong. Anyway, the point is that one thing after the other seemed to be going wrong. It has been a slow drip for the last two months. Here and there we would feel the pinch or the discomfort, but when last week hit, boy it was just about all i could handle. The biggest thing is that our car broke down and we have been carless for about a week now.

I knew things were bad, when I almost broke down to cry in front of my boss when he asked me if everything was alright. I mean there is no 1 specific thing I could point out to, it is just a series of little things.

Today, I am sooooo glad it is Sunday. It is a new week, a new start. The clouds have moved away, it is done pouring, I am having my lemonade and we are ready to move forward. Well sort of - we just need to get our car back ;]