Life, death, and life again

It is so difficult when one has gone through the joys and sorrows of creating life and losing a life.


How does one reawaken hope when death has knocked at ones door.


About two years ago I had a miscarriage and up until recently I did not how much of my hope and faith had died. I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel trying to hold on to some kind of silver lining behind the clouds. In my head the storm had passed and even my words would speak of hope, but it was not until recently that I realized that my heart was fighting its way back from death too.


I no longer knew how to trust God. How do I really embrace his love for me when the one thing I begged him to keep away from me happened. I lost a child. I thought I was so OK with this and over it and that life went on. But I felt a new blow to my stomach when I was told I had a condition that actually rejects any embryo... and with that the sliver of life and hope within me was fully gone. I cannot give life. I have dreams and wishes and desires to have a big family. They say that desires are given to us from the Lord that we may trust Him for them as he aligns our lives to his will. Well there goes all of that.


How feeble minded we are! What tantrums we throw in our minds and hearts! How easily we forget that God is ALWAYS in control. He knows all things, and he does bring his will to pass.


He has not forgotten me. He loves me and even in my pain, I knew that only God himself could do a wonderful miracle. There was nothing 'humanly' possible that I could do to hold on to a child or even to compromise that child in my womb. If a child came to me it would be up to the very hand of God as to how far he would allow it to go. And finally I trust him. I believe that His word is true and that He is the Great Physician, and that he loves me with all my tantrums and doubts and uncertainties and he wants me to have the desires of my heart.

My heart is reawakened, there is hope in the impossible, there is love unconditional, for myself and once again for my God, there is faith unshakable that only God himself could be glorified in my life and bring about a miracle. The miracle of life once again. Life in my heart, in my spirit, in my womb. Yes!!! we should be holding this miracle of God's love in our hands by January 9th, 2009. I am already in love, I am overjoyed, I am blessed by my creator.