Mommy's Healing from Autism

Last week I went to the library and rented out the book Louder than Words, by Jenny McCarthy. I had heard of the book several times in the past, but this day I felt an urgency to get it.

From the moment I got in my car with the stinking book, I began to choke and tear up. That day I read only the introduction and the preface in the car and cried my eyes out. I told Kimani, "I think this is gonna be a hard book for me to read." So I waited until after mother's day weekend to read the rest of it.

Monday after work, I began to read it and I was completely consumed from page one. By the time I got half way through the book I was sobbing uncontrollably from the depth of my soul. It was about 2 in the morning and I was trying not to wake up Kimani, but I could not hold in the tears and the waterfall was coming strong.

I cried for a long while. Kimani held me tight and prayed for me that I may fall asleep and I had to literally force myself to sleep. As long as I was awake I was crying. I felt all the years of pain rushing out of me. I had been holding back these tears for five years and through this book I felt release.

For so long, I did not allow myself to feel sorry for myself nor for Nemi. I always treated him like a 'typical' boy because I believe one day he would be.

From the moment I realized my boy was a bit delayed I tried to fight off my anger, towards the world; the doctors for their slow diagnosis; myself for giving him the damn vaccines; at him for not snapping out if it and even God for making my perfect boy Nemi go through all this. Everyone was to blame, but I held it all in.

I have always hated that I could not freely visit with friends or family because of how at times he is treated, or how unconsciously they look at him with sad, pitiful eyes. I still hate it, but never dealt with it. He is hyper and he tends to break everything he holds on to, so when I go visit people I think I may have to replace something expensive, I hope he does not break anything.

I hate the way I felt at the end of the day. Putting him to bed at times was the best part of my day and I thought I was being such a horrible Mommy. But dealing with an autistic child all day long wears on you. I was getting more and more tired and more impatient.

I never thought I would be such an 'angry beast' with my kids (or anyone at all for that matter), and be so stinking loud and such a screamer and lashing out with spankings left and right for all kinds of things. I hate that Datnee - I hated myself everytime I did it, but did not know how to stop. After pleading with the Lord to help me stop, I now understand why. I was not dealing with my emotioal health and it was all coming out the gaping whole in my heart.

This book gave me words to express the hurt I have been feeling. It gave me freedom to love Nemi where he is and not look to 'fix' him into a 'typical' child. I love Nemi with all my heart, but I felt like this autism has stolen a freedom in our relationship that now I realize I could still have.

This book allowed me to get rid of the emotional weight I had been carrying for the past 5 years and know that I need to gird up my loins and continue the fight for my boy.

It opened my eyes to know that though Nemi has been improving by leaps and bounds I had the blinders on because of his progress. I was so proud of him, I was slacking off a bit. I thought that with therapy alone he would get to where he needs to be, but I was fooling myself and the Lord had to open my eyes.

The next morning I was ready to stay in bed all day since every time I opened my eyes I would cry. It was about 12:30pm when Kimani came home for lunch and I was still in bed. When I saw him walk in the bedroom I felt like he actually picked me up and peeled me off the bed. It was so great to see him. I was planning to be in bed all day long if it meant that I would not be awake long enough to cry. He came in and gave me the strength I needed to get up and continue my day. Even better he told me he took the rest of the day off because he felt in his heart I was not well and I needed him for more than a half hour... Now that is God at work...

I wanted to just lay in his arms and cry some more, but I held it all in and we went to Barnes & Noble and got a couple of books on the Gluten/Casin free diet and we decided we are all going to switch over to this diet. Our boy needs something more than all the wonderful therapy he is getting and the Lord is waking me up to take the next steps.

For Nemi, I believe deep down that his current diet is not helping him get to the next level just yet. So we are surrendering it all to the Lord and believe He is going to give us the strength, taste buds and resources to switch over to this diet for our Nemi.

Here is the next battle to fight in order to win the war. I feel strong, I feel restored. God has been good and we are ready to keep moving forward. Keep praying for us, we wait for nothing less than a miracle.

Nehemiah James. We love you with all our hearts, and Mommy and Daddy are going to keep doing what ever it takes to help you get better, just like you pray every night. Jesus is hearing your prayers and He is going to answer them.